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11/07/2007 2007年全國高中職法語文化體驗營The French camp in which I participated as a co-teacher just ended today... These past 3 days were crazy (waking up at 7am and getting back home at 10pm or 11pm)... especially the first 2 days (we mostly rested on the last day).
Right now, I feel like screaming and jumping and howling and ................... sleeping.
But most of all, strangely, right now i mainly feel like...throwing up. As if all the accumulated stress, excitement, fear, joy, and fatigue wanted to pour out of me... but ...couldn't.
So here I am, throwing it all up on this computer screen, typing away my cocktail of emotions.
I cannot be more honest when I said I've learned more than the high schoolers at the camp have.
I've learned how teaching is a fun, yet draining job. Not only mentally, but PHYSICALLY, really... Just try standing and talking for 4 hours straight and you'll see what I mean.
Moreover, it's more about how to know and guide your students than how to teach.
Learning to know and interact with one person is already enough of a challenge for me, but with 160 students?....
It's also more about performing than about teaching.
Of course, they've got to learn something, but they also have to enjoy your performance.......
It was incredibly rewarding to feel that some of the students actually did enjoy my lousy performance... but of course, all I can say is: there's still a long way to go before i can actually go on stage 'for real' and perform with 100% of energy. For now, I feel like I cannot stay cool while 30 pairs of eyes are staring at me waiting for me to do something stupid (warning: you are under videosurveillance my dear). Maybe it's my self-consciousness that is killing me.
My conclusion (which also matches one of the other French teacher's feeling), is that all teachers should attend a special course on how to mangage their emotions..... All the crazy ups and downs, excitement and depression, stress and tiredness, have assailed me while facing all these students. Three days have been enough to drain me completely of all energy. How do the full-time teachers manage to survive? (I'm thinking of all these friends who have been teaching for a while........ I really admire you all!!)
Apart from this, I found the high-schoolers quite endearing, and I am going to miss them so smooch! :'( 25/04/2007 無奈今天忽然有一種莫名的疲憊感。應該可以用「無奈」這兩個字形容我感受吧。 中文有很多有趣的詞彙，非常貼近生活，可用簡短的方式說明複雜的感覺。 「無奈」兩個字是今天的我。 面對法國選舉（我發現我居然從法國那邊的選舉名單被除掉了，可惡） 面對未交與過期的作業（我似乎放棄了當初對課業的熱情，不交作業居然也不會緊張） 面對下週跟老師的 meeting（我這個月到底在搞什麼鬼，連半個文章都沒好好看成，要怎麼交代？） 面對人（虛弱時總是比較想躲避人潮，覺得跟人在一起都特別累） 面對世界（週遭的人遇到什麼困境，有時也無法安慰或實際地幫助他們...唉...） 面對這一切時，就感到極度的 無奈 。 說真的，能說「面對」嗎？ 應該說在逃避吧。 單靠自己、自以為堅強、自以為無敵， 最終，只會讓我更深刻地體會到自己的軟弱。 挫折與無奈的心情就會跟著我跑，把我拖垮。 這次又被提醒今年的"NY resolution"之第一課程：迫切禱告與耐心地走該走的路。 Une fois de plus, debout sur mes deux pieds, encore un effort pour mettre un pied devant l'autre, ... je prie pour ne pas glisser en arrière. ... je prie pour ne jamais baisser les bras ! 27/11/2006 A puzzling word about a puzzled solitudeNothing is as easy
as indulging in nostalgic memories.
If I cared,
I would stop this pitiful pathetic indulgence.
But forgive me for I won’t.
Indulgence brings me a few rays of light upon my solitude.
What solitude?
The solitude of not being able to recover my past,
The solitude of the pieces of puzzle scattered all over space and time.
Ah, talk of puzzle.
That’s quite a word.
Five years ago, I came upon François Cheng’s Le Dit de Tianyi,
And I finally understood the meaning of my puzzling solitude.
My life is like a puzzle, its pieces disseminated.
How many times did I try to put them back together?
Yet how many times have I failed?
Now, indulging in nostalgic memories,
brings back a few pieces together,
giving me the illusion of reassembling my puzzle.
If one day, as François Cheng says, I can share the puzzle in its integrity,
it shall be the end of my solitude.
NB: What a puzzling, bustling, rustling text for the puzzled mind!
Does all this hustle even have a meaning? 20/11/2006 En écoutant "Sur le Fil" de Yann TiersenWhile listening to: « Sur le Fil » de Yann Tiersen
one heart-beat,
against one gasp of breath
ever so frail,
frighteningly uneven,
it hangs on to a thread
threatening, each beat, to give in
to eternal silence.
heart-beats
grow stronger yet
still uneven
...
suddenly racing
running for life
tormented,
passionate,
awkwardly running
along
the thread of life.
heart -a- beating
a return to cautious lines
a pace at a time
uncertain.
searching.
staggering. silently. on a string. of faith. 24/10/2006 Forgiveness今晚似乎體會到厭食症病患者的折磨
每一口食物多麼的可恨噁心，我無法形容 一旦進入了嘴裡就想吐出來 我看著你隱形的傷痕
還滴著新鮮的血 我看著疲憊焦慮的你 靠著那顆還充滿著主愛的心 勇敢向前行 而我 只能緊緊咬著牙 等待著折磨的結束 今晚要帶著禱告的心 學習饒恕學習溝通學習度過痛苦觀景 |
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